Every year lately, we are encouraged to ask others if they are okay. A suicide prevention charity in Australia reminds us to check in on others. Last year I wrote how important this was, and with Covid-19 still an issue, it is still important. September 9th is RUOK Day this year.
I am not ok.
It’s nothing to do with Covid-19. Apart from work decreasing during this time, along with a slight pay decrease we all agreed to so everyone could stay employed, Covid-19 has not affected me.
My body has.
At the end of June, I felt unwell for a few days. By the time my CEO took me to the hospital one Friday night, I had developed sepsis. An abscess in my liver resulted in an infection travelling into my bloodstream. The outcome was the surgery a few days later, a hospital stay of 11 days, where I was still kept in the emergency. I was never sent to a ward or a room. There were paper curtains for walls, and the bed was just about the only thing that fit in my space.
Eventually, I was sent home to recover as there were not enough hospital beds to accommodate everyone. I had daily visits from nurses, as I still had a drain running from inside my liver out into a bag at my side. As well as the drip for the antibiotic. I ended up being discharged at the beginning of August. All tubes and drains were removed, I could go back to work finally.
But my family had to suffer through different things. All three of my children have disabilities, as does my husband. I could see the trouble they were in, and there was nothing I could do about it. My husband was having trouble coping without me to support him. It might only be emotional support, and habit (I’m always there to help answer questions and be supportive). But he was used to having me help and didn’t have that.
My middle child insisted that we do not hold his birthday until I was well. Which was sweet considering his Autism usually looks more selfish. The biggest thing that told me he was not coping though were the visits to the hospital. He does not go near people. He does not go outside the house. He visited me every other day. Wearing a mask that irritated him, he would come in to see how I was going.
My oldest, my daughter, had to help bathe me as I couldn’t lift my head to eat my ice chips and certainly did not have enough energy to shower. She worked as a carer in a facility, and had done this before, but ended up having to help look after the family as well, as my husband declined in his ability to cope.
My youngest was mostly kept in the dark about how unwell I was and visited often as well. I could see his concern. He is quite sensitive, and although his disability is physical, still had to struggle emotionally while I was away. I do suspect part of his motivation was the chocolate doughnuts in the hospital cafeteria though!
I was offered a social worker. She came in, sat down, and offered me respite. Someone could go into the house and help. Not sure how. They would not be able to see my middle child as he hides when people come over. My husband was still keeping the house clean, and my daughter was making sure our youngest didn’t get too scared and upset. So we declined the offer.
Through all of this, I felt useless. Even when I got home from the hospital and was in what they called a “Virtual Ward”, I was still too weak to do anything. It helped relieve some tensions, and everyone settled a bit once I was with them. But they knew I was still not better. I have had many appointments, blood tests, ultrasounds and scans. The abscess is still there and hasn’t shrunk that much.
Now it’s a waiting game.
This week I came off the antibiotics, and now wait to see if I decline again. And if I do, how rapidly. Depending on the rate at which any temperature returns, the doctors and surgeons will decide if and when I need surgery again.
I’m terrified.
I don’t care about having the surgery again (even after I had to sign a form that I forgive them if they knick an artery and kill me). I don’t know if I can handle seeing everyone else around me suffer again for months. Is my family going to fall apart if we go back and do this whole thing again?
My colleagues at work had to cover my portfolio while I was gone. And I know they can again, but again, without me there to support them when things get very busy, it’s not fair on them. They have to carry their own personal struggles while filling in for me. So although I have not caught Covid-19, have not had to isolate or go into lockdown (we do carry out an essential service so have been operating through the entirety of the pandemic), I have still had troubles.
On RUOK Day, remember to check on your friends, workmates, colleagues, anyone you are close to. They might not be affected by Covid, but there are other things going on in the world. They might be struggling to cope with a personal issue, with a decision at work, with a medical condition, or absolutely anything.
